just a blog

 

I wanted to say something like, I have yet to find a problem that wouldn't be solved with money. But that's not the entire truth.  Money works even on heartbreak. You take up a new venture, or invest in something. Suddenly you have to learn a lot of new things, in a few months' time your life becomes unrecognizable from what it looked like when you loved that person. You will find you still have some love for them but you no longer want to act on it. You outgrew that.  That's roughly the wheels on which my life runs. I am relatively happy because I live a life in which I am not a stranger, it is something my heart is in - even if it was also in other things that I would have much preferred.  But had I never had to do all this, I would have been relatively happy as well - because if an affair broke my heart, it means my heart must have had been it it, which is the base for happiness.  Kundera I think wrote somewhere that comparing diverging life paths like this never ...

  The clinic I went to last time was telling women that botox is healthy. It will leave their skin healthier because it relaxes the muscles and much like when we use antidepressants, our skin needs a little  medical help to feel relaxed. Obviously this is straight up bullsh!t.  Here's the benefit though. If you have sensory sensitivities, like from Au/DHD, or heavy trauma, you will get that flared up some times. You also might get triggered some days.  With botox, you can still go to work or to gym without getting the inevitable public harassment for having 'mistreated vibe'. The toxin forces your facial muscles to relax, so the pain won't show on your face.  Therapy is infinite and your self-confidence a sin wave not because that's how your brain works , but because as soon as you are unaccompanied while looking like you are tired and in pain, opportunistic abusers will go for it. With neurological illness like autism you get that perpetually every few weeks, f...

I bought a large black leather shoulder bag, solid construction, well known brand, obscenely chunky (and heavy) handle made of a thick metal chain bathed in 24k gold. When I'm wearing it, street harassment is gone.  I went with a regular old brown leather tote today, to test my hypothesis. Slurs are back.  When I'm wearing something posh, people see money, and they don't even look further as they assume that abusing me might actually come with a punishment.  When I'm wearing something understated, even if it's in fact more expensive, people look at me .  When they look at me they see autism in my face, except they never read it as autism.  They think, This woman is sad. (sensory issues) Probably abused by her boyfriend. (not making eye contact) Probably a foreigner (general "different" behavior, happens also where I was born), but not rich ( dressed casual) - she's light skinned though so she can't claim racism. She's not gonna do anything ...

"I understand that this is a possibility, but wouldn't it be extremely rare?" Even if something is extremely rare, there might be 99.9% chance that it will not happen. Which says that it will still happen to 1 person out of each 1000.  That's a lot of people when you look at it, and the 1 in each 1000 is not selected arbitrarily.  It is misleading to consider how likely is something to happen in general.  The question should be how likely is it that I will be the 1 in each 1000 . In Czechia this is described by the term "socially vulnerable". My neighborhood in Rio has 146.000 inhabitants according to the 2010 census. I don't know anyone else who is a young, conventionally attractive woman, who is an immigrant, works autonomously, has no family, is autistic and fails to make friends (or eye contact for that matter), has light skin just like all the universally hated colonizers, and has money on her. Don't be stupid, people.

  And I realized I talk to neurotypical people like to animals, lmao. I don't even mean it offensively which is probably a whole another and much deeper level of offensive. I just matter-of-factly act a bit like coming to a zoo. 

My current legal bullshit has nothing to do with romance. It's about large remittances, tax exempt income and expired contracts incurring fines.  It's just that it's glaringly obvious to me that even this activity, as stressful as it is, is more enjoyable than romance.  No matter how bad things get in business, you always have control. In business, people can't just decide and randomly harm you. You can't be randomly put in jail. Even during my communist Czechoslovak childhood dealings with the secret police, they could at best threaten to lock you up in a mental hospital. But you had to actually psychologically break down for them to be able to do it. If you didn't, they were forced to stick to increasingly empty threats. There are always things to do. Chances are that when the situation looks hopeless you are probably just poorly informed or inarticulate, but then you can hire someone to do that for you.  Romance sucks. No matter what you do or don't do, p...

Do you remember Talkie Toaster from an early episode of Red Dwarf?  A home appliance with artificial intelligence that has a brutally single-minded focus on trying to grab the attention of anyone nearby - in any way, at any time - to offer toast.  When the person rejects the offer, Talkie Toaster offers a different kind of toasted pastry. If the person refuses all toasted bread, Talkie Toaster offers a pancake, and so on until the latest response gives leeway to ask for a toast again because it was not explicitly rejected that one last time.  Someone on Quora asked for advice about co-parenting with a woman who has borderline personality disorder of the mildly psychotic flair.  Someone responded, there is no co-parenting with these people. There is parallel parenting, at best. Avoid contact. When unavoidable, make it short and keep shifting the frame. When she speaks about the garden, shift frame to nature in general. When she speaks about the house, shift frame to t...

Here's an article from a psychologist to debunk the twin flame ezo trend that has been everywhere lately.  A twin flame is commonly spoken of as someone whom one quickly feels fast chemistry but may more realistically struggle with a sense of self, healthy boundaries, automatic trust, personal independence, personal power, internalizing core values, and understanding concepts of compatibility which often comes with life experience and/or being modeled and taught this as a child A woo-woo professional using woo-woo bullsh1t to prove that another woo-woo bullsh1t is indeed a woo-woo bullsh1t. What a fascinating modern age we live in. In the end the article circles to the usual therapy cliche... Relationship with self is a practice: every day we practice being in a relationship with ourselves. ...Where the relationships you get are the reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. Sure! Or the reflection of your skin color, ethnicity, class origin or neurotype. Healthy, wel...

I don't know if this is village hick empathy or Slavic empathy or autistic empathy, but there's such a thing where you can tell what people are actually like in their heart.  The problem is that people usually don't choose to act on that. It's inconvenient, uneducated and so on. Over time they lose contact with this core self and they finally become "well adjusted" and "mentally healthy": no feelings, no joy, but OTOH all business as usual, no surprises. All regularized and safe. It's like when people take a break from a relationship to figure stuff out. There's no such thing. They will never come back. They'll think about it and find that life is better without love, because it is. Frankly I don't know why people think they want love.  When you don't care about anyone, nobody can disappoint you, you're not risking anything. Besides, what's a feeling. We're not savages, no? Sex is worth jack when there are no emotions ...

  Being well-adjusted to our current society means relying on fully on words and formulations. Our society has graduated from the previous savage tribalism to running mostly on heuristics, and well-adjusted people do not develop attachment or a sense of value for you if you don't consistently participate in shallow conversational conventions.  These conventions generally have no deeper meaning, but if you don't use them, you are the only person who isn't virtue signaling in an ocean of people who are virtue signaling, constantly and diligently. If you are a decent and capable person, this is the equivalent of having a good product but zero budget for marketing in a world where thousands of other businesses with possibly worse products have six figure budgets to spend on bombarding people with their brand name. People have limited attention spans, nobody actually cares, your product fails. A friend sent me this article: Pesce, N. L. (2019, April 2). Most college grads with...