Some light bedtime reading: "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men"

 

That was probably the most validating book I ever read. Would definitely recommend this to every autistic or ADHD person regardless of gender. This validated ^{my worst fears but you gotta face them} including the empirically very evident fact that therapy does not help. 

As the book puts it, when someone abusive goes to therapy they will leave as a "very happy and well adjusted abuser" because therapy focuses on validating people's feelings and giving them unconditional acceptance. 

But the only thing that works on abusive people is giving them consequences: Dump them. Report their threats. Report their violence. Report their stalking and coercive behavior. This is why abusive people usually put most effort into those who are marginalized, isolated or illegal immigrants: The chance that they will be reported is low.

If you put an abuser into therapy, he or she will get an insane amount of psychological tools they will use against their victims to gaslight them, and to portray them as insane to everyone else - also known as character assassination. 

Therapy makes abusers better at abuse. Stop sending abusers to therapy. Try to get them to prisons. 

I think the most shocking validation for me was the author working out how an abusive person is made. They are not mentally ill or delusional, they feel like a certain lifestyle is their prerogative. If they are men, usually that prerogative involves a woman who will be their mother emotionally while also perfectly satisfying them in bed while also never having any needs of her own. And they feel this so strongly that the rights and well-being of other people pale in comparison. 

That's not where it ends though - with this attitude they do actually get to coerce a lot of people into serving them, which makes their life easier. So, they will never change unless they are forced by external circumstances. And even when they are forced, usually they will just execute the movements until a good opportunity presents itself again. Because being abusive just plain works for people. 

I used to live under the illusion that everyone just wants a trusted companion with whom they can share their life. I was wrong. Most people want someone to control.