just a blog

I wanted to say something like, I have yet to find a problem that wouldn't be solved with money. But that's not the entire truth.  Money works even on heartbreak. You take up a new venture, or invest in something. Suddenly you have to learn a lot of new things, in a few months' time your life becomes unrecognizable from what it looked like when you loved that person. You will find you still have some love for them but you no longer want to act on it. You outgrew that.  That's roughly the wheels on which my life runs. I am relatively happy because I live a life in which I am not a stranger, it is something my heart is in - even if it was also in other things that I would have much preferred.  But had I never had to do all this, I would have been relatively happy as well - because if an affair broke my heart, it means my heart must have had been it it, which is the base for happiness.  Kundera I think wrote somewhere that comparing diverging life paths like this never ...

  The clinic I went to last time was telling women that botox is healthy. It will leave their skin healthier because it relaxes the muscles and much like when we use antidepressants, our skin needs a little  medical help to feel relaxed. Obviously this is straight up bullsh!t.  Here's the benefit though. If you have sensory sensitivities, like from Au/DHD, or heavy trauma, you will get that flared up some times. You also might get triggered some days.  With botox, you can still go to work or to gym without getting the inevitable public harassment for having 'mistreated vibe'. The toxin forces your facial muscles to relax, so the pain won't show on your face.  Therapy is infinite and your self-confidence a sin wave not because that's how your brain works , but because as soon as you are unaccompanied while looking like you are tired and in pain, opportunistic abusers will go for it. With neurological illness like autism you get that perpetually every few weeks, f...

I bought a large black leather shoulder bag, solid construction, well known brand, obscenely chunky (and heavy) handle made of a thick metal chain bathed in 24k gold. When I'm wearing it, street harassment is gone.  I went with a regular old brown leather tote today, to test my hypothesis. Slurs are back.  When I'm wearing something posh, people see money, and they don't even look further as they assume that abusing me might actually come with a punishment.  When I'm wearing something understated, even if it's in fact more expensive, people look at me .  When they look at me they see autism in my face, except they never read it as autism.  They think, This woman is sad. (sensory issues) Probably abused by her boyfriend. (not making eye contact) Probably a foreigner (general "different" behavior, happens also where I was born), but not rich ( dressed casual) - she's light skinned though so she can't claim racism. She's not gonna do anything ...

"I understand that this is a possibility, but wouldn't it be extremely rare?" Even if something is extremely rare, there might be 99.9% chance that it will not happen. Which says that it will still happen to 1 person out of each 1000.  That's a lot of people when you look at it, and the 1 in each 1000 is not selected arbitrarily.  It is misleading to consider how likely is something to happen in general.  The question should be how likely is it that I will be the 1 in each 1000 . In Czechia this is described by the term "socially vulnerable". My neighborhood in Rio has 146.000 inhabitants according to the 2010 census. I don't know anyone else who is a young, conventionally attractive woman, who is an immigrant, works autonomously, has no family, is autistic and fails to make friends (or eye contact for that matter), has light skin just like all the universally hated colonizers, and has money on her. Don't be stupid, people.

  That was probably the most validating book I ever read. Would definitely recommend this to every autistic or ADHD person regardless of gender. This validated my worst fears but you gotta face them including the empirically very evident fact that therapy does not help.  As the book puts it, when someone abusive goes to therapy they will leave as a "very happy and well adjusted abuser " because therapy focuses on validating people's feelings and giving them unconditional acceptance.  But the only thing that works on abusive people is giving them consequences: Dump them. Report their threats. Report their violence. Report their stalking and coercive behavior. This is why abusive people usually put most effort into those who are marginalized, isolated or illegal immigrants: The chance that they will be reported is low. If you put an abuser into therapy, he or she will get an insane amount of psychological tools they will use against their victims to gaslight them, and to p...